I Can’t Sleep

I felt a hard force shove my lower back, so hard that I jumped out of my sleep and my heart began to race. I was wakened up out of deep sleep and already knew what the force was, it was my boyfriend’s feet kicking my back. He was trying to tell me to turn from my back to my side because I was snoring so loudly that he couldn’t sleep. His feet were by my back because he slept at the foot of the bed once my snoring got too bad, it was just honestly something that I couldn’t control.

As I began to turn to my side to go back to sleep, he got up and went to the restroom, angry. He tried to slam the door but couldn’t because my wig was in the way, it was hanging on the doorknob because I had washed it that night. He threw it at me, and said: “You need to go to the doctor, I can’t keep dealing with this,”. My snoring was something that had started here recently out of the 5 years we have been together. I figured it was due to weight gain because of depression. This year is just an awful one for me to be honest. So many health issues that I need to get in check.

“I know, but how long has this been going on? I can’t hear myself so I don’t know when it happens,” I said to him. I needed to know more details because I have not always snored, but I am worried because sleep apnea is a part of my family’s genetics.

“For about 3 months,” he said. “You get a good night’s rest, and I don’t. When my PTSD wakes me up at 2 am, I am unable to go back to sleep because of your snoring, it’s starting to make me very angry because I’m tired.”

I felt so bad, mainly because I know that he’s been working day and night all week, and sometimes has PTSD episodes in the middle of the night, but this was simply something that I could not control. I tried sleeping on my side, but I’m a wild sleeper so I always end up on my back which causes the snoring. I figured I better go to a store and pick up an elevated pillow and a snoring mouth guard. That was the best that I could do for right now.

Thing is, he thinks that I am getting a good night’s rest but truthfully, I am not. I have so many erotic dreams that it feels like I am not even sleeping. Just living out a weird dramatized reality. I mainly dream about my grandmother who recently passed away, and sometimes my grandfather. They passed away within weeks of each other, it was a lot for my family, especially my mom considering that they were both her parents. This affected me greatly and began my depression. My grandmother raised me and we did everything together, and with Christmas around the corner, it just keeps getting harder and harder. Everything reminds me of her.

Since her passing, I have probably gained a total of 15 pounds, which I know is one of the biggest reasons for my snoring. Snoring is caused by the airways not being clear, and it causes tissue in the throat to vibrate which causes the snoring noise. Well, when I lay on my back, my double chin almost suffocates my neck and causes me to snore. I know I need to go to the gym and eat better, I just haven’t had the will power to do so honestly. I just want to grieve in peace and not have to suffer consequences for it.

He’d been complaining about my snoring for some time now but I honestly just ignored it. I didn’t have the energy to focus on something that I couldn’t totally control because I was already going through enough, but he didn’t see it this way. He felt as though I was being inconsiderate, which I don’t understand that logic because I am sleeping and not aware of it. That night he fell asleep at 9 pm, and I didn’t go to sleep until 1 am so he could get some rest because I knew that I may snore that night. As soon as I went to sleep at 1 am, he woke me up at 2:30 am angry about my snoring, now it’s 7:47 am, it’s pouring rain, and I’ve not been asleep since. I have to be at work at 9:30 am, so I will be running off of an hour and 30 minutes of sleep.

I wanted to call in so bad but I knew that I couldn’t, I had already missed enough days from bereavement. So, I got in the shower, brushed my teeth, did my hair, and got dressed. Out the door I was, running off an hour and 30 minutes of sleep.